thank you for breathing.

❝ One Year ,Nothing Changed .At least ,Not the Pain .

( posted on Friday, July 02, 2010 @ 9:53 pm )

Super Emo post ,
Don't read if you find this bo liao .
I'll appreciate it if you don't comment anything ,unless it's good stuff ,
about this post .
tyvm .

The only song I can find of when i think of you ...
I love the lyrics .

One year ago ,at 11.32a.m ,I was happily preparing to go for F&N lesson .
yes ,this is something i will always vividly remember .
I felt vibration from my phone ,it showed 'Mummy' .
in spine shivered ,I felt that something was not right .
cause before that ,i remembered my parents telling me .
'girl ,anyday daddy/mummy call you ,must pick up .
it means that something happened to Ah Ma le .'
i answered ,i hear mummy crying ,telling me :

'Ah girl ,ah ma zou liao ...'before she cld continue ,
my reply to her was ,'why ?why so fast ?'
then my tear started to roll ,unstoppable .
my knees went weak ,Zora caught me and held mi tight .
den all i heard frm mummy is to tell me to go Ah Ma hse asap ,
then the phone went off .
I cried my heart out ,hardest in my whole 16 years of life .
The pain of losing someone who doted you since the day you were born .
The thought of not being able to see her anymore .
Ya ,they made my tears out .

Realising that I ~~should~~ MUST go home now ,
i stood on my feet ,panicked .
rushed to Ah Ma's house .
Saw xiao gu standing at the door ,blood shot eyes .
I went in .
& there i saw you ,lying there ,not moving .
I called you ,called you loud .
You didn't care about me ,you didn't answer me .
you just lied there ,not opening your eyes ,your body felt cold .
I cried ,screaming for you as loud as i ever could .
hoping you would come and wipe my tears for me ,
telling me 'it's ok ,things would be fine .Ah Ma's here .'
but you didn't .
how could you ?
leaving the grand daughter that you doted the most crying like no tomorrow .
how could you ?

The 7 days ,they were bad ,very bad .
every single time I see you in the coffin ,
my heart stabbed ,my tears came out to see you .
I had to chase them back in ,why ?
cause if one person starts a drizzle ,
there would be a downpour .
so ya ,my tears had to be kept .

But the 2nd afternoon ,you gave me a reason to bring them out again .
The scar you left for me on my left hand ,
you gave it to me when I was burning incensed paper money to you .
you gave me reasons to cry my heart out when I clean the wound .
I guess you still dote me the most ?
Da Gu told me you gave me this scar ,
so that I would remember you ,forever .
& yes ,I believed it ,till now .

The last day ,the day when I last saw you .
People said that the 7th day ,you would come back to find any one
of us ,to tell us smth .
In the end ,no one saw you .
Everyone cried for you ,from morning 10am ,
till you're being carried along the road ,
till we were on the way to crematorium ,
till we reach ,
till you were sent into the fire .
Da Gu and I cried until we didn't even have the energy to stand .
The next thing I know ,was that we all went to the main hall .
everyone couldn't hold their tears ,
I remembered Da Gu telling me
'in future you no more ah ma cook nice food for you & dote liao .'
when hugging me .
those few hours ,toturous .
the following weeks ,even worse .

every day ,as long as I do smth you taught me to ,
which is almost everything ,i'll think about you .
everything .
everytime i walk home ,i have the tendency to walk to you house .
walk halfway ,then i realised im suppose to go back to my house .
everytime I cook rice ,i will remember since young ,
you always scold me for playing with the rice when washing .
watch 4.30 show ,will remember you always criticizing about the
main lead this and that .
everynight ,i'll look at the moon ,
thinking about you & cry to sleep .

then slowly ,I learnt to let go ,
cause mummy say you'll worry when you see us cry for you .
so i tried to stop myself .
slowly ,tears stopped coming out at night .
i learnt to walk to my house without going
the other way .
slowly ,i got used to things .
but from time to time ,you pop out into my mind .
whenever i see kids walking with their grandma ,hold hands tight ,
i envy them ....

It's been a year already .
i went to visit you today .
everything felt like it just happened yesterday .
the same place ,same priest chanting the same thing .
the same people ,offering the same food .
it just felt like one year ago ,just that this time ,
great-grandpa is with you .
soon ,great grand-ma will be with you too .
The scare you gave me on the left hand ,
it's fading off ,which is what i fear of .

Mummy saw me crying just now ,
she told me ,it's better that you left ,
so that you won't be suffering ,
from all the needles and surgeries .
daddy told me how tough a life you led before ,
to bring them 3 all up and take care of all your grand children yourself .
and yes ,it's time for you to rest ,in peace .

But promise me one thing will you ?
appear in my dreams more often .

Cause I'm scared that i'll forget what you look like ,
you know my memory fails me .
Please ?

I Miss You alot ,ah ma ='[[ .
But i know it's too late .
you already left .
I can't tell you how much i loved you ,
how much I appreciated all your care ,concern & love showered to me .

I guess i'll always live with this regret .